I am just plain sick of being in this bed. I am sick of watching life rather than being an active participant. Sure being waited on and watching all the tv shows I want while in a legal drug induced haze was fun for a moment I am now just plain sick of it!
I really wish I could go back and undo this surgery. I think really how much pain day to day was I in? It is stupid and counterproductive to think like that. What is done is done and I need to move forward. I am just stuck and feel like there is not enough Xanax in that little bottle to keep me sane while I heal the next 3 to 12 months!! This is what the urologist said! I see the neurosurgeon in 1.5 weeks. I didn't sign up for this and neither did my family and friends. I was told 6 weeks good as new. Leave it to my body to have a complication that is like less than 4% of ALL back surgeries!
I can't even begin to imagine what my husband has gone through. From the initial 6.5 hour surgery ( we were told it would be 3 hours) when no one even came and updated him to the scary night back in the hospital ER with me screaming for hours in pain while I was poked and prodded in a sad attempt to find a decent vein. This on the day he said his final goodbye to his grandma. He has been a wonderful nurse and has had to go so far above the call of duty as a husband I couldn't imagine being as strong and calm as he has been. Even now when I make him feel guilty for going back to work when we clearly need the money he remains strong and even tempered with me. I love him more than ever and am glad he is by my side to keep me from going insane.
Everyday I wake hoping to be better. I think I am slightly better my back does seem to be hurting less but it is the other complications I have had that are dragging me down. I am enjoying seeing my friends more often and look forward to their yummy food as do my children :) but I want to be done. I am not a patient person and I just want to get up, go to my kids school events ride a bike with them, just get back to being me.
Goal for tomorrow: make my own lunch :) I will take baby steps and hopefully look back on all of this time and think ok that wasn't so bad , yeah right :)
